Sadly this some dumped me tonight before I could find that fun side I grow up in an enviroment where my health condition was the only thing I ever dealt with each, lee would go to the cinema, a restruant, or out with friends and family I would lay on my bed in my room and read a book or just sleep.

I hate music, watching tv and I don’t have friends who will even come close to the house, From the age of 5 to present day I’ve always avoided “fun” cos I have no concept.

No one has ever even bothered to help me change things and being dumped tonight has proven that its never ever going to change I’m an outcast better off lonely for life.

I always said my dreams will stay dreams and that is what is happening, this one woman found a different side to me she said she could not handle only us being together once a week I’m not outgoing or fun enough, I’m to slow to different, the one woman I was quite literally throughing everything I could think of her way for valentines MY FIRST VALENTINES ever is now gone for good like everything good in my life.

I’m returning back to using my blog and posting here my only friend will ever be me it seems like its always been.

Good night blog

Sadly this some dumped me tonight before I could find that fun side I grow up in an enviroment where my health condition was the only thing I ever dealt with each, lee would go to the cinema, a restruant, or out with friends and family I would lay on my bed in my room and read a book or just sleep.

I hate music, watching tv and I don’t have friends who will even come close to the house, From the age of 5 to present day I’ve always avoided “fun” cos I have no concept.

No one has ever even bothered to help me change things and being dumped tonight has proven that its never ever going to change I’m an outcast better off lonely for life.

I always said my dreams will stay dreams and that is what is happening, this one woman found a different side to me she said she could not handle only us being together once a week I’m not outgoing or fun enough, I’m to slow to different, the one woman I was quite literally throughing everything I could think of her way for valentines MY FIRST VALENTINES ever is now gone for good like everything good in my life.

I’m returning back to using my blog and posting here my only friend will ever be me it seems like its always been.

Good night blog

It’s not easy living a life with COPD and knowing that the condition is in control and not me it decideds my life how i feel, what i do, when i do it, I give back to others because i feel i owe them something i NEVER EVER want to take if i can help it but people are now saying i’m selfish and inconciderate, but i’m not and i can’t get anyone to understand why i do stuff like i do I have received hundreds of letters, certificates and awards over the years but i’m either thrown them away or shredded them i don’t want them i don’t want to be recognised or thanked for giving something back.

The one man that had turned my life around had made me realize that i wasn’t so stupid i was just finding it difficult to communicate with others and find new friends, Arthur showed me that all that ways different is that i needed confidance, he taught me electronics and Amateur Radio so that i could gain my Novice Amateur Radio licence, he spent time with me helping me understand technical stuff in a practical way, something even the local radio club could not do while my parents chatting to Jean his wife in the front room  myself and Arthur spent most of saturday afternoons operating the radio and talking to people from all over the world.

We were transmitting on the day of the 9/11 disaster our combined skills Arthurs experiance of using his radio equipment and my skills in listening and radio Q codes meant when we was asked by an american Radio ham if would could help clear the radio band we was using meant we could do the task in hand in an officiant manner, and therefore help our fellow hams on the other side of the world, provide a communications network which meant mobiles phones where useless.

In 2002 i gained my full Novice Amateur Radio Licence with my current callsign of 2E0TPP i will forever be greatful to Arthur for his every lasting support, over the months after Arthurs stroke medical staff tried hard to get him back to the original Arthur but it wasn’t possible i made a commitment to try and help him regain so sort of mobility some sort of communication with his wife and son and with me everytime i went to see him he would acknowledge me and say hello but that was about it infection after infection meant he deteriated in health and just gave up the fight.

On the 23rd August 2011 Arthur was moved to Gray Ferers Nursing home all medical treatment had been withdrawn and it was just a case of sitting and waiting we only needed to wait a week i went to visit him every day from the day he was moved he would hold my hand and smile at me he know i was there and knew i wouldn’t go until my friend was ok, but that never happened on the 30th August i saw Arthur for the last time he was seriously unwell with a chest infection and wasn’t able to even say hello to me that was at 4.30pm at 7am the next morning 31st August 2011 i received a call from his son to say my best friend and Radio mate had passed away peacefully at 4.35am.

My friend for nearly 12 years had gone a silent key a wise man with a sense of humour i will never be able to beat, I miss he so much i miss giving him a call to tell him to turn his power down as i can’t make a radio call without hearing him over the top of everything, about calling him for advise on something i’m working on about just calling to say hello.

I wish he was around still he made a big dent in my life and something i don’t think i will ever fill he supported me through my depression and was proud of me what i thought i had found my life partner sadly that wasn’t to be but he was there all the time he will never learn that i am getting my life back on track that i’m trying to move on and follow the dream i told him about, i miss Arthur G3LTT my best mate/friend/buddy it was his funeral yesterday 14th september 2011 at 12.45pm at gilros crematoriam.

WHY DO ALL THE SPECIAL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE LEAVE ME, MY DREAM OF GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING A FAMILY AND BRINGING THEM TO SEE MATE ARTHUR WILL NEVER HAPPEN NOW. MAYBE ITS TIME I GAVE UP WITH MY DREAM ARTHURS PASSING IS PROBABLY A SIGNAL TO CALL IT A DAY AND LIVE MY LIFE ALONE.

People come to visit me who i’ve not seen for months their lives moving forward while mine is moving back my old friend is  to unwell to even know who i am anymore and may not even survive till the end of the year, I have a so called girlfriend she don’t want anyone to know about me and don’t want to be seen with me in public so what dose that say about me.

I slowly started the think that this life isn’t for me and people wouldn’t notice one little bit if i wasn’t here at all.

WHERE DID I MAKE MY MISTAKE AND WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I’M THE ODD ONE OUT ALL THE TIME?

I’m the carebear the sort of person that you love having around i give comfort when you are down and alone and needing a friend and i take nothing in repayment for this this is my nature, I’m a person that gives always who believes that everyone is entittle to be happy to keep a smile on their face and not be scared to show how they feel.

Like all Carebears i’m cuddly i’m there all the time at the end of your computer screen, your MSN, your facebook or on your mobile at the end of a text message or mms I listen to what you have to say i let you cry on my shoulder or hit out at me for something that is making you angry but i still never complain i don’t look for comfort from ayone this is my life.

The part of my life that no one ever sees and no one ever will I was brought up to accept that you must take whatever life throws at you and should you not like if then you should get out, I’ve tried to find happiness and failed everytime i’ve been nominated for loads of awards but find out about them and don’t turn up to receive them I still stay put as the carebear to many.

I have loads of problems each day with life with a disease i live with that no one will ever understand and no one wants to know about i live my life as a loner i don’t mix i don’t get involved with groups or family parties as or family in general i have nothing of interest like everyone else.

I had a dream ONCE but don’t now my life is me is getting up in the morning taking medication and sitting for the rest of the day infront of a computer screen like i’m doing now turning ideas in my head into something that might never be useful to someone or that someone can steal from me to make their millions and laught in my face for being the fool i’ll always be, I’m the Carebear someone that can be tossed to one side one it has been useful or laughted at for even thinking about it.

Still I’m here to listen to understand to give advise and to watch the person who needed me be happy to be the one thing i’ve always wanted to be BE HAPPY but its something is but a dream a dream i know will never come true i know will never find me and i just don’t have the energy any longer to go looking for myself.

I havve thousands of skills and years of experiance but no paperwork to prove such things so I’m pushed to the bottom of the pile to fight it out with all the other people that find life so disappointing, Its time i just got out came back to reality and learnt that i’ll always be the giver but never the receiver.

Put into a strange place with people i don’t know and find myself paying for someone else have the dreams i always wanted while i slowly take a backwards step into the shadows back were i started because i know nothing i have no skills only a disease that controls my life but no one else cares about or wants to care about.

Good night blog!

Although some things still never seem to change, this loneliness is starting to get me down now and I can’t seem to find a way out.

I don’t know anything else i don’t know how to make friends without making enermies something i always seem to do my chronic airways disease is making me want to be where helen is or has been since 1993 i tried finding ways out of things tried hiding but got found and ropped into things, but i’m not acheiving anything anymore i’m stuck in the middle of nowhere wondering how i got here and why i even did this.

I’ve unsubscribed from about 13 websites for online dating get the same response from everyone so see no point it trying to find a dream i know i’m never going to get people are happy to make fun of me use me for whatever they want and they have there fun and walk away, no one wants me anymore i’m not dating material for the normal young lady i’m to much effort.

Time to call it a day i think go back to my computers and radio for a while and if i get bored of that maybe try and find a way of joining helen and my other friends in a place were life is fun all the time if that don’t work maybe its time to close the doors on everything and everyone and walk away completely.

My dream of finding my dream is starting to become worthless starting to be a joke for the family just like i’ve always been the joke the only good thing coming out of all this is that this blog is receiving 55 visitors a month probably no one reads it but i don’t really care it beats writing into a book that will just end up in landfill or something.

I had a wonderful day then a week later I get a giant chest infection a the feeling that its true what I once was told that my disease will aoways control my life that living a kife of solitude will be the only way to avoid the inevitable, people wonder why I never go out cwhy I don’t have many friends why I keep myself to myself the reason is the same as its always been.

Who wants to be around someone who’s means of fun is to play constant games of mahjong online who loves designing webpages and don’t know the first thing about the latest goings on I the tv soap world the newest films out or even the first thing about finding love and happiness.

I’m just a no one! Always have been always will be I have sorry had a dream and even that didn’t last the disease got in the way of that sometimes wonder if its time to call it a day all these things I keep trying to improve my life/condition re they just a waste of time And money maybe they are I lay here wondering if its time to stop the fight and.

Give everyone what they really want?

Posted from Android Tablet

Although this gadget might have more use because as like now I can use it from the comfort of my bed a change from the norm for me, but sadly it still don’t change my loneiness and the way it makes me feel I re-registered for the adult dating sites yet again hoping I might find just someone that won’t treat me like the fool I am hoping that someone will find it possible to treat me as me instead of as a walking ATM.

Maybe I’m just to honest and trusting towards people or maybe its just tht it is intended for my life to be empty forever my punishment for trying so hard to find happiness.

Will post more oftn now I got this good night blog its only me Android you now.