I’m feeling really lonely these days i’ve tried hard to make new friends and got push out the way as usual i joined a breatheasy group to try and make my health better so i could get out and about more but i just feel the odd one out as usual, people aren’t used to dealing with people like me that have some learning problems or are a little slower they just don’t have the time.

I’ve joined all the adult friend sites around and haven’t got anywhere on there either i thought that if i could find a girlfriend then i might stop feeling like i do because i’d have someone to put my mind on and to take care of, that has back fired on me to no one is interested in a person with a health problem that they can’t get rid of everyone see the same thing in there heads.

The person fighting for breath and dying on them thanks for nothing medical profession thanks for nothing media i’ve given up trying to explain no one wants to know and TV tells it like it is, but it don’t its there to make you watch it to make them money and to make the lives of people like me more difficult to deal with.

I’m well 99% of the time now but everyone is interesting in the 1% the what if’s all the time it makes me feel really down and like i’m not worth it, i don’t want to return to the prozac tablets and won’t be doing that its time to save people money and time and to just give up with everything i can keep making my family and friends believe i’m ok for ever they are all so easy to convince, but i know different life isn’t worth it anymore not for me anyway i have nothing all i ever wanted was a girlfriend and a family of my own and all i ever got was someone that wiped out my savings my credit cards and got me to get a loan to pay debts then she just walked away from me just like that saying the same thing as everyone else ever dose.

Your health problem scares me and i can’t cope with it so i don’t want anymore to do with you I don’t want to ever see you again, so i just walked away like i’ve always don’t i have nothing my pension each month now goes to pay all the debts and i have only £12 to last me a month, but the bills are paid, if i die all debts are cancelled everyone is happy and no one has to bother anymore.

Time to think again about my life i think i’ve tried everything to find someone to love me and be with and to follow my dream like my brother did, but no one want to know me and always see my condition before the person within, dreams are for ordanary people no people like me sociaties misfits.

She always said i would never find happiness ever again and she was right i’m alone depressed and not interested in anything anymore i can’t use only chat rooms because they are just to fast for my brain to keep up with the conversations i only just keep up with msn but am slowly getting bored of that, i gave up with facebook along time ago and am now starting to hide away again i don’t want people being around me anymore.

Its time to start hiding so that people will forget about me so they won’t notice me when i’ve gone!

Well yet again I lost because of my health condition someone cancelled there hosting a website designing bcos I was to slow.

I post my details about me on a dating site and get no response other than maybe u should have stayed in the asylum where u were living.

Maybe being happy isn’t part of me being happy is it maybe I’m always going to b the pc man that is useful whn needed and forgot about until the next time around.

Just so desperately want to find someone to love me for me.

Well I don’t really know what to put I met comfort some months ago we have text each other and i’ve received calls from her but its all gone very quiet so with that I assume I’m no longer on her list of boyfriend matterial so i’m moving on.

I really wanted it to work but it seems I’m not boyfriend matterial for anyone I think everything i was told last year is coming true I need to get used to being alone for the rest of my life I’m owing the bank more than I have as a income I owe Credit card companies and friends all because I tried to love someone for the love I had in my heart I gave her my all and she just kicked it back in my face and worked away leaving me with all her debts and a confidance level at zero.

Just wish sometimes I could clear all the debts and start again, but its not going to happen ever so may as well just get used to being sad and lonely forever my feeling-alone blog here being my friend and giving me a listening ear to something which no one wants to hear just walk away like always.

I start pulmanary rehabiliation on tuesday afternoon probably that will give me a focus we will see?

Its another one of those days i feel really alone and unloved keep joining all these sites just to find some friends and someone to love me for the heart i have but it seems no one is interested in me i mean who really wants a boyfriend that is unwell 80% of the time NO ONE!

I’m just the odd one out and need to get used to it, got to go out on a computer repair job later something dead simple again then back here to sit and think again, wish i had someone to kiss and hold and touch and just treat like a princess its never going to happen.

Will leave a message via my phone later maybe,

Today my life just seems to quiet everyone is doing there own thing and I’m just in a paused world like a character in. Animation that has nothing to do.

I got my front tooth fixed this morning and it looks ok.

Today is one of those days where i’m just feeling alone i want someone to be close to again someone to hold me and kiss me and make me feel loved i meet someone online a nursing assistant called Comfort she is lovely to speak to and well thats all, she works night shifts all the time and sleeps all day so i’ve never seen her.

theres saying i love you over the phone or on sms but its not the same as being close i feel like i’m just a symbol like she don’t want to get close to be because of my problems a legacy left from my past maybe suzi’s mum was right, being happy and loved and having someone close to me will always stay a dream to be alone forever because of what i did.

The problem is i don’t know what i did is saying no to something because i feel it to be not right the end of my dreams forever maybe so comfort is someone i want to get close to i want to know more about and give my love to her but maybe that isn’t going to happen maybe i’m just a person that is just useful when needed and ignored the rest of the time.

I really want to hold her hand to kiss her and touch her and show how much love i have to give instead of saying it in world, my text messages get ignored the occasional “I love u hunn x” come through every once in a while but its not the same as having someone hold you someone to be close too to find a dream i will never find. My health problems always seem to get in my way i’m looked at differently once people know once i want to get close to someone to feel the love of someone and not be used and then ignored like i feel i am again now.

I fill my life with projects and meetings and other things to do just so i don’t stop and think but sometimes time is all i have and then i start thinking like know i’m a person no woman really want to know really wants in there lives but i never get asked what i want from life what i dream of, what or how i feel.

Holding her hand kissing her and being around her is all i want and all i get is a txt and a laugh something i’ve always got even from suzi, someone to comfort me and hold me when i feel alone someone to introduce to my family and make them feel proud of me proud that i’m wanting to be happy and move on something that isn’t going to happen.

I won’t hurt anyone i won’t colapse on people i live around technology because i have nothing else no one else i don’t go out and meet people because no one is really interested in what i know and do, I have a photo, and a mobile number maybe thats all i’m worth to people maybe its fun to play hide and seek to tease people but i just feel like i’m being avoided being used for the skills i have like always.

Well the holiday went ok we ended up visiting alot of people and as usual I ended up helping someone with there computer or 3 and managed to gain myself 2 web design and hosting contracts a photography and a plumbing business all in the same day wonderful, Got my 65ft portable pump up QT mast from the repair shop while we was down in overstrand to so that will come in handy for the caravan.

THE BIGGEST AND BEST TV PICTURES IN THE LAND HI HI HI!

Had new seals placed onto it and a new presure realise system as the other snapped off, so there is another antenna system to add to my amateur radio collection still looking for some other stuff but for now this is something that can be used down at our norfolk based family caravan for the TV antenna to be fixed to and my Wifi Antenna and the new 3G mobile phone antenna, need to get a red LED to add to the very top for aviation reasons but thats about it for now.

Got myself a new mobile phone the HTC Hero touch very nice so far its a android phone which means its 97% internet managed and backup with the other 3% being mobile phone network based it dose alot in a little body and has loads of potention for expantion over time.

Well tomorrow 12th June. we go away to overstrand near cromer on the east coast of the uk for a week, should be interesting as this is the firsttime since everything has happened.

These days I can’t cope with confrontations anymore nor raised voices I just go into panic mode and need to get out something I could easily deal with before the depression, ill post some stiff when I can.

Sometimes I wonder if people really are my friends because they want to be or just because I’m useful to them, 9 times out of ten I’m just a useful tool to fix there computers for free our to download them some music so to save them cash.

It seems I’m of no use for anything else, I meant to have met a young lady on-line but feel like I don’t mean anything to her much either, I’m a easy Target for a laugh among friends but not much else like always alone and the person that no one really wants around.

Wish it wasn’t one of those night, sometimes wish I was still on the anti-dependants as at least they gave people something to laugh behind my back for.

Well i been in Glenfield Hosptial ward 16 since tuesday and now its getting boring i feel really well and happy again but it seems the medical staff aren’t that happy i’ve started returning to my old drug system and its getting back to normal, but i want to get going again and i keep being stopped in my tracks.

I gave myself a scare on Monday morning i think i went a little to far this time and nearly paid the price i let my chest infection get out of control and didn’t stop to think how it would make other people around me feel i nearly made this infection my last and i don’t think i’m ready to give into things that quickly at this minute.

I still have a dream to acheive and a future to look forward to maybe its about time i sat back and looked at things a little and made some big changes for the better, need to get my money problems sorted out and fixed and then need to sort out people that own me for work i’ve done for them.

As i type i have a load beeping sound going off in my left ear from the bed alarm across from me Herbert an 92 year old is calling for the nurse again he sleeps all day and shouts all night now the staff that are on tonight are doing bets how long before the next alarm, he is a lovely old man but as his wife says “he lost his marbles when plastic was invented” so he has a very short term memory which therefore means that once he’s been told he’s forgot.

I like the bunch of gents in this bay we get on well although i’m the baby of the team as i keep being told i can get along with them all and we have some great chats in the daytime about what they remember from growing up and how things have changed now, i find what they tell me very interesting and funny sometimes but worth it to keep them smiling and happy even though i feel great they feel very unwell and i try to keep them cheerful whatever.

There is 4 of us in this bay BAY A ward 16 there is me, and to the right of me there is Bill he’s 98 and somewhat deaf and visually impaired but i like giving him a hand when he drops something or just wants to be part of the conversation but can’t quite hear whats going on, i try to make sure he is part of something as its not nice to be left out of something you might be able to be part of.

Across from me is Don a welsh gentleman that has lived in leicestershire since the age of 13 his now 89 he used to be a miner in the pits of Leicestershire until 7 years ago when he got COPD and now can’t even breath without a oxygen mask on but he has some great stories about what he used to do and how he helped to setup and work at the now SNIBSTON DISCOVERY PARK a working mine as he says, He calls me the Gentleman as i’m always happy to help and sit and chat but then again know the breathing condition well enough to know when its time to put his oxygen back on and have a rest as i said to him. “there is always later” and he agrees but gets upset that he can’t continue telling me about the past because he’s ran out of breath.

Its not nice i know but in the end i’m 35 he’s alot older than i’am and in the future i might end up like Don so while i’ve got the breath i should keep it as he says, still make me sad that he has been providing a service to everyone in the UK & maybe the world for almost all his life and now when he wants to rest and have some fun as he says, “I’VE RAN OUT OF FUCKING AIR” he’s a great bloke to know and someone i will remember for a very long time to come.

Before Don was Sid another 89 year old he had bone cancer and COPD to as he said “THE BASTARD TRIED TO GET RID OF ME TWICE BUT I BEAT IT” he was discharge on wednesday to return to LOROS then home for a few days then back to LOROS he asked mum and dad if i could come and visit him as he felt he’d found a friend in me i found out while i was chatting to him that he was a pupil of Western Park Open Air School, the school i’m this historian for.

He asked if i would come and document his memories so that what he remembers about school will be keep in history much like that of the memorise he has in his head, I’ve agreed and as soon as i’m better i’ll go and see him for a bit and take the computer and we can have a chat a bit more.

Sid was nice someone that could relate to so i will happily go and see him and give him some as he says “happy memories before i die” he told me that he knows he’s not got long but while he has he intends to be heard. He likes the idea of technology but feels he’s just to old to learn a new trick now not a problem i can give him a smile even without the technology.

So thats my next task to do and i’ll do my best to make sure i go out and see him he is in LOROS from the 29th March for a week.

This night staff have just come around to see what i’m upto my second family here they have a laugh and a joke but also keep me safe and the other 29 patients to throughout the night, just been helping Herbert out understanding what time it is now he got his clocks wrong so thinks its 10.34am when its 10.34pm he has been trying so hard to go sleep at night instead of waking everyone asking for the nurse to come and help him have his breakfast but, he can’t help if and i supose one day i’will be like him hi hi hi!

I just been over and sat with him and explained that is night time and not morning and that this clock on this wall is correct and that his isn’t i’ve sort of made an agreement with him to wake him up at 6am but the staff in the ward will do that before me we will see how it goes tonight i thinks just having someone take an interest in him and helping him to understand where he is and what his brain is telling him, although i’ve been very unwell myself i feel that i’ve made a lot of new friends over the last few days and although i will out last them probably i’ve learnt alot in a little amount of time.

Good Night all